I am ready to move forward…

All these days, my bitterness held me back. I felt like lashing out. Being sarcastic. I saw that it was National sex workers day in the U.S. and immediately thought of the monster and snarky remarks ran in my head, “So how did you celebrate?” or “How wonderful that you support the oldest profession, you are truly a hero!”.

Then, to my horror, I realised that these comments wouldn’t be sarcastic. For him they would actually ring true. Because he told me that, “It is the oldest profession. There is a reason why it exists.” So, I know that he believes they are there for him.

Then, I remembered a friend telling me that I am still not detaching myself. I couldn’t understand why my friend would say that when I was taking so many steps to detach myself. Now I understand. It is because I still want to slap him and lash out.

But, today’s internal musings have led me to the conclusion that there is really no point telling or doing anything with the monster. My feelings towards him whether hate/anger/revulsion/horror/anything really are of no use. Monsters are who they are. Since I am in all but a legal way disconnected, I should focus my energies and my feelings, both positive and negative on the people who I care about and the things I want to do in life.

As I write this, I realize the simplicity of this realization. However, I know the effort and thought that went into arriving at this point. Somehow, I had come to depend far too much on the hope that justice  would be meted out and there would be an equal amount of suffering for the monster. Now I am finally ready to rid myself of any such feelings. Not that I wouldn’t want him to suffer or anything. It’s just that I don’t care to hope anymore. If I can bring it about, only then it matters. If it is to be left to karma or fate, then I would just as easily leave it up to God and the authorities.

As of now, thinking about it or hoping for it will not make an iota of difference in my life. And, honestly what do I care what happens as long as my daughter and I are safe. And yes, if our safety and well being is threatened again, then all I have to do is to do all in my power to make sure the threat is removed. There is no point dwelling on all these things though.

If and when situations arise, I have to deal with them and move on. I am finally at a place where I realize the futility of both worrying and hoping. These states of being are not healthy. So I am settling or “doing”. I will be doing things to move forward with my life. The monster’s life is not my concern anymore.

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Trying to justify cheating

Today is Valentine’s day and this monster sends me a link to this video that talks about why men cheat. Seriously, he wants to justify going to prostitutes and buying drugs from them? Like who the hell is depraved enough to do that to someone who they have been with for 13 years? That monster that’s who.

Normal people would feel guilt or remorse for their actions or at least pretend that they are sorry. He thinks that just because he is a silicon valley entrepreneur, he is justified in behaving like this. He is founded a start-up in silicon valley and that makes him so special that he can abuse his wife and daughter. People who are drunk with power and money do all kinds of things but this really is the limit.

How on earth do such people justify their behavior? How was I gullible enough to live with him and believe his lies? Why didn’t I stop him sooner? My fear of being separated from my child was so great that I was paralyzed. I was too scared to tell anyone for fear that they would call social services to take my child away. Whenever, I thought of leaving him, I was scared of him throwing me out and keeping my child.

The threats to take my child away were the worst of what he did to me. Yes worse than all the other abuse put together. I should have seen her distress.

I should have known better when the incident with her fracture occurred. I mean no father in his right mind would accuse his wife of “wasting 3 hours on a weekend” to go to the doctor to get their child’s thumb checked. This is the man who is supposed to care about her welfare and he is hell-bent on doing what he does without a care about what he is exposing his child to.

And this is the monster who is now justifying his actions. If I wouldn’t have read about the cycle of abuse I would have been even more shocked to hear him blame me. He has blamed me for everything that went wrong in his life I am not shocked anymore. Finally, I am outraged and wished there were laws that provided for punishing such monsters by putting them behind bars so nobody ever has the guts to do this ever again.

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Recognizing a pattern

He was so abusive with me over a period that I kind of got used to walking on egg shells around him. Did my best to not piss him off. Never knew what would trigger his temper what would not. And then suddenly out of the blue he would out of guilt or something do something really nice for me, which would make me think that I am really bad for feeling bad about the way he was treating me the rest of the time.

Now I recognize the pattern.

Scream and threaten

Cry and seem genuinely upset for justifying the abusive behavior

Make me feel guilty for adding to his stress enough to behave badly

Show me how reasonable he is by doing a nice thing and telling me that he does it even though I don’t deserve it

There would be no reason for the abuse – it could be something as simple as me asking him what a character in a TV show was doing or it could be because I ask him to not drink as much because he is not stressed now or even worse because he doesn’t want to “waste time” taking my daughter to the hospital when her thumb is blue and swollen because he thinks it is nothing.

In the last case, she had a fracture and was in a splint for one and a half months. But, since the x-ray was done on a Sunday and the radiologist didn’t see it till the next day afternoon, for a whole day he lashed out at me for wasting his weekend time (which is the only time he had to relax) and for subjecting the child to x-rays which would cause her cancer and when I said that I only wanted to err on the side of caution, he was dismissive of it by saying that he knew it was nothing major and that I was an un-supportive wife because I didn’t trust him.

As usual I was crying and only that any mother would take a child to the doctor if the child thumb was swollen and blue and she was crying in pain. I felt so miserable at the time.

He never accompanied her or me for any visits to the doctor or anything because he was so busy at work, but he found time to be with his hookers.