Victim Blaming and the Social Media Vigilante

Delhi bus rapist blames dead victim for attack because ‘girls are responsible for rape’

So rang the headline. And there was a video along with it that I have not watched. I am admitting that I have not watched it not to invalidate my opinion or put forth a disclaimer. But, because I can’t take yet another round of victim blaming after what happened in my own life.

Also, this is not a rant about my own life, but a take on those who are outraged on social media because of the rapist’s attack on the victim.

I personally know so many of them who posted or “shared” the link and the video with remarks like “wtf” and other forms of disbelief and shock and rage. The discussion is often just a momentary reaction, no deep, meaningful conversations on even exploring their own gut reaction. Because aside from the collective revulsion towards the perpetrator, what is it that you all feel exactly?

Rape is horrific because of the physically violent nature of the crime and instantly provokes a reaction. But, this is not about the nature of the crime. It is about perpetrators of crimes against women blaming the women. Have you ever blamed someone for walking the street provocatively dressed and then “asking for it”. Or, saying she was asking for it when you saw a father hit his daughter? Or said that it was her fault she went to the guy’s apartment? Or, what was she thinking when she slapped her boss’s arm playfully? Or called someone a slut? Or condoned a “guy” for just being a “guy”? Or laughed when someone made an inappropriate sexually offensive remark in your presence? Or wondered how a guy like him could be with such a “behenji” type?

All these attitudes go a long way towards shaping how as a society we condone the perpetrators of the so-called softer crimes and then we are so shocked when somebody does exactly what we have been doing – blaming the victim.

I would like each vigilante to explore the answers to a few questions:

1. What would you do if your own cousin, aunt, sister, mom, or daughter told you they had been sexually abused?

2. What would you do if they told you that it was x,y, or z “guy” who you know so well and would never in a million years think he could do something like that?

3. What would you think if it was somebody in your own family who was being abusive or offensive or guilt of any other crime against women, which is not rape?

Are you going to be concerned at all? Or, is it like the dowry crime to you? Someone has to burn the bride for you to sit up and take notice? Daily verbal torture is not enough?

There are a few who seek to understand what we can do as a society to change. Well here is the simplest answer:

“Be the change you want to see.”

Sit up and take note of all behavior that violates a person’s body or mind or both, instead of sitting back and getting outraged at murders and rapes. Female mutilation, rape, infanticide, foeticide and other physically violent crimes are horrific. But, the ones that don’t leave a very visible trail are scarring too.

The cycle of abuse will not end till we put a stop to it collectively in our own family, in our own neighborhood, and our offices. Stop thinking that it happens to other people. I know that in India women are supposed to put up with a lot and we do, but we need to put an end to it at some time. This is my time. Hope it is yours!

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I am not a psychologist, but I know he is a psychopath

All the articles I have read so far when I was trying to understand what I went through and why have convinced me that my abuser is not just a bad person, he is a sociopath or psychopath. While this may seem like a rant or something that I am trying to explain away because of my vulnerabilities, I know that it is true.

Everything that is said on these page rings true in my case. And while nobody can make a conclusive analysis based on Internet research, I know it intuitively as well. I had long sensed that he used to lie to me and had never really cared for anything in life. Once we were involved in a road accident, when he was driving and the the person he hit had dies. While it was the person’s fault because he was in the middle of an expressway, any normal person would not help but feel guilt. I was counseled at the time by a senior person in the company where we both worked to be supportive of his feelings and to help him find a way through his guilt and suffering.

But, nothing like that happened. I was overly emotional at the time due to my pregnancy hormones so I couldn’t figure out whether it was me feeling overwhelmed or him being underwhelmed. But, I do remember asking him how he felt. And he was able to shrug it off by saying that it wasn’t his fault and that the old man was to blame. It is not that I wanted him to feel guilt but it reminded me of another incident. Many years before we were married, he had moved into a flat on the ground floor and I was helping him unpack. I accidentally stepped on a little white mouse that was scurrying around.

I burst into tears at the horror of killing it and was filled with all kinds on unpleasant feelings at the time and was shuddering and shaking. I remember him laughing at me. He found it hilarious that I would cry over a mouse. I tried to tell him that setting aside a trap for a rodent or even leaving rat poison around was very different from ever actively killing a living being.

Of course, I ignored all these things at the time. Life had other pressing issues to deal with. I wish I had noted them more strongly. Of course, I realize that hindsight is 20-20.

But, now is not the time to recall each and every incident, leading up to this situation. It is about dealing with the present.

Here is what I should refer to if I want to re-inforce the ways of dealing with him:

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Sociopath

Here is where they describe the strategy of charm, use, and discard:

http://simonarich.com/what-you-should-know-about-psychopaths

Unfortunately, my psychopath has found my daughter as his next soft target. But, I will do everything in my power to keep her safe from his abuse.

Here is some more research on sociopaths in general:

http://www.youmeworks.com/sociopaths.html

I will be re-reading these pages in the days to come and be better equipped to handle the monster.

The monster has a friend

Apparently, people think that monsters should have access to children.

Yes. I kid you not. There is a guy who professes to be a mutual friend but really is the monster’s friend and thinks that despite not knowing the hell that we have gone through, my daughter would be safe with the monster.

I wish people like that rot in a special kind of hell alongside the monster. This friend has a little girl of his own. Why doesn’t he give his little girl to the monster to hit and hurt. Shit I would never ever say anything bad about a child, but I am so livid especially at this moron with a Messiah complex who thinks he can lecture me without knowing anything.

Every night I tell my child that the monster loves her. I know it to be a lie. But, she is only six and deserves to be loved. I can’t tell her how he is. She knows hitting is bad and she knows no matter who does it, we don’t tolerate it. That is enough.