Christmas memories = Non-stop tears

I miss my tree. The ornaments my baby and I made together. I miss my IKEA lights. I miss my red sofa throw. I miss the 1$ Target DIY packs for kids. Yes. I miss all of these things. And am finally saying it. I miss the red framed picture of my baby. I know these are all material things. Not at all expensive. And I know that my baby is safe and happy and that is what I must be grateful for. Last year I was so sick that I never played any carols. This year I am back to my favourite 3-hour medley of songs. I have not cried like this for many days but yesterday there was a trigger — a blast from the past. I have started crying again. I don’t know why this crazy shit happens. My friends tell me I should learn from my daughter. Where does she learn to be strong they ask. I tell them I am her rock. But, who is my rock?

This Christmas, I want Santa to bring me back my things. I want that monster to send back my things. It will make me feel better. I know it doesn’t make much sense. But, this is the only way I know to cope. I completely understand what my baby feels when she says she never wants to give away an old book or dress. We are clinging with all our might to things that we have coz everything else is gone. Life as we knew it has changed beyond recognition. Not in a bad way or anything. Many things are all to the good. But, every now and then there is something that reminds me of things that have so many memories associated with them. Will these feelings ever go away? I don’t know. As I write this there are tears streaming down my cheeks and it is way past midnight.

Even if he sends back the things, I know the hurt won’t go away. The longing to have a husband (the kind sort) and a father for my baby (the best papa in the world) will always be there.

When I will not be there…

Through every trial
After every triumph
I will be there

When you slump
Or hit a bump
I will be there…….

Oh no no no….Stop. I can’t!

I wish I could tell you words like that
Things that a little girl should hear
But the world we live in is in fact
A place that is filled with what I fear

No matter who you contact
In any stage of life or sphere
If any of them ever detract
Your worth, steer clear

On this special day let’s make a pact
That I will teach you to persevere
So you can choose the way you react
To those who cheat or are insincere

I can’t guarantee how everybody will act
Or make evil disappear
What I can do is in fact
Help you grow strong my dear!

Yesterday I met an old friend

I met a friend who did not know anything about this sordid mess. It was wonderful. Not that I don’t trust her, but I didn’t want to share because what is the point really? We had a few good laughs, shared some gossip about famous people. And she dropped me home.

It reminded me of the kindness of all the people who were there for me at my darkest hour.

1. A friend who offered to house me indefinitely till I figured it all out.

2. A friend who looked after my daughter when I had stuff to do.

3. A friend whose husband and brother cooked and looked after her kids and my daughter when she was out supporting me.

4. A friend who spoke to me on the phone constantly and prayed with me to give me strength.

5. A friend who took care of my daughter and supported me against the wishes of her own husband.

6. A friend who told me to go to a women’s organization for help and connected me to an awesome woman who gave me hope.

7. A friend who met me even though his own little one was terribly ill at the time, just to support me.

8. A friend who gave me so much practical and philosophical advice that helped me pull myself together.

9. A friend who cared enough to be there for me even though she was on a holiday with family.

This is in random order and I thank all my friends. And above all my brother who came to be with me to support me and to help me hope again.

I can never forget their kindness and their support in helping me find happiness. Because at the end of the day all I want is to be happy with my daughter. If she and I can share a few laughs, read a good book and go to bed hugging each other tight. That is a great day!

Here’s to many more great days! Love to all my friends and my incredibly supportive family.