Why is it so hard to for people to support a DV victim?

What is most shocking to me is how people who talk up reams on facebook on behalf of Nirbhaya and scores of other victims of rape and other heinous crimes still regard domestic violence as a softer issue.

Even if they suspect a woman is being abused, they would rather lean back than move forward to help. I guess it is all talk with such people. They would rather do their armchair activism than any real useful activity.

This ad by the salvation army uses the latest “black and blue” phenomenon on the Internet to highlight the issue to domestic violence:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/03/06/the-salvation-armys-powerful-new-ad-on-domestic-violence-puts-thedress-debate-in-a-new-light/

It is an awesome ad. I wish there were more such ads  to also highlight the other forms of domestic violence including emotional and sexual abuse. The scars that are not visible on the skin are still there.

The trauma is real. And why is it that you won’t support anyone till they have visible scars, or are brutally raped, or are burnt for dowry?

Does a woman have to die or be left half-dead for you armchair activists to sit up and take notice of what is right under your noses?

Especially if you are friends with the abuser you think he could do no wrong?

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I am not a psychologist, but I know he is a psychopath

All the articles I have read so far when I was trying to understand what I went through and why have convinced me that my abuser is not just a bad person, he is a sociopath or psychopath. While this may seem like a rant or something that I am trying to explain away because of my vulnerabilities, I know that it is true.

Everything that is said on these page rings true in my case. And while nobody can make a conclusive analysis based on Internet research, I know it intuitively as well. I had long sensed that he used to lie to me and had never really cared for anything in life. Once we were involved in a road accident, when he was driving and the the person he hit had dies. While it was the person’s fault because he was in the middle of an expressway, any normal person would not help but feel guilt. I was counseled at the time by a senior person in the company where we both worked to be supportive of his feelings and to help him find a way through his guilt and suffering.

But, nothing like that happened. I was overly emotional at the time due to my pregnancy hormones so I couldn’t figure out whether it was me feeling overwhelmed or him being underwhelmed. But, I do remember asking him how he felt. And he was able to shrug it off by saying that it wasn’t his fault and that the old man was to blame. It is not that I wanted him to feel guilt but it reminded me of another incident. Many years before we were married, he had moved into a flat on the ground floor and I was helping him unpack. I accidentally stepped on a little white mouse that was scurrying around.

I burst into tears at the horror of killing it and was filled with all kinds on unpleasant feelings at the time and was shuddering and shaking. I remember him laughing at me. He found it hilarious that I would cry over a mouse. I tried to tell him that setting aside a trap for a rodent or even leaving rat poison around was very different from ever actively killing a living being.

Of course, I ignored all these things at the time. Life had other pressing issues to deal with. I wish I had noted them more strongly. Of course, I realize that hindsight is 20-20.

But, now is not the time to recall each and every incident, leading up to this situation. It is about dealing with the present.

Here is what I should refer to if I want to re-inforce the ways of dealing with him:

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Sociopath

Here is where they describe the strategy of charm, use, and discard:

http://simonarich.com/what-you-should-know-about-psychopaths

Unfortunately, my psychopath has found my daughter as his next soft target. But, I will do everything in my power to keep her safe from his abuse.

Here is some more research on sociopaths in general:

http://www.youmeworks.com/sociopaths.html

I will be re-reading these pages in the days to come and be better equipped to handle the monster.

A study on abuse

Studies show that emotional abuse almost always escalates to physical. My monster had once asked me to recollect how he used to grab my throat and he had stopped doing that for so many years. He said that he screamed at me because he kept a tight leash on his temper to prevent him from grabbing me by the throat again. So he did everything short of the one thing he knew would make me go to the cops. All the abuse he heaped on me would not leave physical stars.

But, when this abuse flowed over to my little one, I could not take it anymore. The different forms of abuse that many of us face are mentioned here:

https://mainweb-v.musc.edu/vawprevention/research/defining.shtml

I hope that after reading this, women find the courage to move out of an abusive relationship sooner than I did.

The monster has a friend

Apparently, people think that monsters should have access to children.

Yes. I kid you not. There is a guy who professes to be a mutual friend but really is the monster’s friend and thinks that despite not knowing the hell that we have gone through, my daughter would be safe with the monster.

I wish people like that rot in a special kind of hell alongside the monster. This friend has a little girl of his own. Why doesn’t he give his little girl to the monster to hit and hurt. Shit I would never ever say anything bad about a child, but I am so livid especially at this moron with a Messiah complex who thinks he can lecture me without knowing anything.

Every night I tell my child that the monster loves her. I know it to be a lie. But, she is only six and deserves to be loved. I can’t tell her how he is. She knows hitting is bad and she knows no matter who does it, we don’t tolerate it. That is enough.

Protecting my baby

Yesterday, for most part of the day, I felt strong and that I would be able to cope with anything that comes my way. Then, suddenly out of the blue a wave of nostalgia hit, I cried thinking of what could have been. I have a lovely baby girl. I should have had a lovely family. The ugliness of it all, tore at my heart.

The worst part is that I can’t tell anybody about what I am going through because later it will get back to my baby. When she grows up, I hope she will never have to learn about what he did ever.

But, if he insists on taking her away, all this muck will be raked in public. She will learn that her father abused her mother emotionally, sexually…She will learn about his substance abuse. She will know everything, every filthy detail  because it will come up in court. And worst of all she will grow up to realize his negligence and abuse towards her. There may be no other way to keep her safe.

How do I protect my baby from all that? Please God give me the strength.

Recognizing a pattern

He was so abusive with me over a period that I kind of got used to walking on egg shells around him. Did my best to not piss him off. Never knew what would trigger his temper what would not. And then suddenly out of the blue he would out of guilt or something do something really nice for me, which would make me think that I am really bad for feeling bad about the way he was treating me the rest of the time.

Now I recognize the pattern.

Scream and threaten

Cry and seem genuinely upset for justifying the abusive behavior

Make me feel guilty for adding to his stress enough to behave badly

Show me how reasonable he is by doing a nice thing and telling me that he does it even though I don’t deserve it

There would be no reason for the abuse – it could be something as simple as me asking him what a character in a TV show was doing or it could be because I ask him to not drink as much because he is not stressed now or even worse because he doesn’t want to “waste time” taking my daughter to the hospital when her thumb is blue and swollen because he thinks it is nothing.

In the last case, she had a fracture and was in a splint for one and a half months. But, since the x-ray was done on a Sunday and the radiologist didn’t see it till the next day afternoon, for a whole day he lashed out at me for wasting his weekend time (which is the only time he had to relax) and for subjecting the child to x-rays which would cause her cancer and when I said that I only wanted to err on the side of caution, he was dismissive of it by saying that he knew it was nothing major and that I was an un-supportive wife because I didn’t trust him.

As usual I was crying and only that any mother would take a child to the doctor if the child thumb was swollen and blue and she was crying in pain. I felt so miserable at the time.

He never accompanied her or me for any visits to the doctor or anything because he was so busy at work, but he found time to be with his hookers.