All these days, my bitterness held me back. I felt like lashing out. Being sarcastic. I saw that it was National sex workers day in the U.S. and immediately thought of the monster and snarky remarks ran in my head, “So how did you celebrate?” or “How wonderful that you support the oldest profession, you are truly a hero!”.
Then, to my horror, I realised that these comments wouldn’t be sarcastic. For him they would actually ring true. Because he told me that, “It is the oldest profession. There is a reason why it exists.” So, I know that he believes they are there for him.
Then, I remembered a friend telling me that I am still not detaching myself. I couldn’t understand why my friend would say that when I was taking so many steps to detach myself. Now I understand. It is because I still want to slap him and lash out.
But, today’s internal musings have led me to the conclusion that there is really no point telling or doing anything with the monster. My feelings towards him whether hate/anger/revulsion/horror/anything really are of no use. Monsters are who they are. Since I am in all but a legal way disconnected, I should focus my energies and my feelings, both positive and negative on the people who I care about and the things I want to do in life.
As I write this, I realize the simplicity of this realization. However, I know the effort and thought that went into arriving at this point. Somehow, I had come to depend far too much on the hope that justice would be meted out and there would be an equal amount of suffering for the monster. Now I am finally ready to rid myself of any such feelings. Not that I wouldn’t want him to suffer or anything. It’s just that I don’t care to hope anymore. If I can bring it about, only then it matters. If it is to be left to karma or fate, then I would just as easily leave it up to God and the authorities.
As of now, thinking about it or hoping for it will not make an iota of difference in my life. And, honestly what do I care what happens as long as my daughter and I are safe. And yes, if our safety and well being is threatened again, then all I have to do is to do all in my power to make sure the threat is removed. There is no point dwelling on all these things though.
If and when situations arise, I have to deal with them and move on. I am finally at a place where I realize the futility of both worrying and hoping. These states of being are not healthy. So I am settling or “doing”. I will be doing things to move forward with my life. The monster’s life is not my concern anymore.