Sociopath or psychopath – does it matter?

I came across a page that talks about the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath:

http://www.medicaldaily.com/whats-difference-between-sociopath-and-psychopath-not-much-one-might-kill-you-270694

All I understand is that one will  (try to) destroy you without compunction and the other regardless of it.

I put “try to” over there because it is in MY power whether to be destroyed or not. Regardless of what has happened so far, everyday that I distance myself from my past, every time I show a glimmer of a more confident me, every single minute that I have managed to forget, every time I feel hope not fear, every phone call I handle without reacting, every time I roll with the punches, I am protecting my well-being.

I know that this isn’t over till it is really over. The other day, the monster called because I commented on the Nirbhaya case on facebook. I do not ever ask him what he is up to. He bad mouths me. Infects me. Is free to comment on anything and everywhere, but I am not? How abusive does that get? Worse, he is preventing me from getting freelance work from mutual contacts.

After using all these intimidation tactics, he has the gall to tell me that he, who was planning to beg for my forgiveness, but will not do so now.

It was a punch in the gut to realize that so-called “progressive” and “modern” men would still rally around their “buddy” and join him in harassing me and not give me work because he is their “friend”. Unfortunately, such men go out in the world and portray themselves as feminists and what not. And the most amazing thing is these balanced individuals have not even bothered to call me directly or even speak to me even once. They have assumed, passed judgement and acted all on the basis of what he is telling them. Way to have a “balanced” input!

They perceive themselves as upstanding citizens and go about their day to day lives without a care about who they are trying to destroy. Even those who hold back because oh it is “between a couple” are guilty of perpetuating the same crime by their silence.

Their behavior and lack of moral values and violent natures is a problem for society at large yes. But, I can only fight my own battle to survive. If more and more people realize that they should take a stand on behalf of what is right and just, then the world as we know it would become wonderful. But, people do not always behave the way we would want them to. These sociopaths, or whatever, can be very charming and the very people who claim to be objective and well-reasoned etc. get carried away. They are also a part of the same victim-blaming culture. These are the people who understand things like gender policing, have daughters, think that they hold “family” values. They also minimize and trivialize all acts that violate a women unless it is something as horrific as a brutal rape. They call his actions unjustified in one breath and the very next they minimize it by saying “even though he did these bad things…he is not a bad guy” Where do they come off? Is the fact that he is rich and gives them a chance to earn money for their livelihood enough for them to sell their soul?

Or are they themselves probably are on the same psychopathic or sociopathic spectrum?

Get off your high pedestals. Correct your world-view and update your self-image. I feel deeply for your wives and kids.

How do you sleep at night? How does your conscience (if you have one) not make you squirm?

That is why, it makes no difference in my life whether people are psychopaths, sociopaths, or those who support such people because they lack compunction or have their own agendas to fulfil. Sure, their attitude needs examining, but not by me. I am DONE with such kind of people. My hopes and dreams have nothing to do with them. Yes, I thought they were something else. Yes, I am disappointed to discover their regressive behavior under all that glossy image.

But, that should not come in the way of me trying to build a safe and happy future for my daughter.

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Why is it so hard to for people to support a DV victim?

What is most shocking to me is how people who talk up reams on facebook on behalf of Nirbhaya and scores of other victims of rape and other heinous crimes still regard domestic violence as a softer issue.

Even if they suspect a woman is being abused, they would rather lean back than move forward to help. I guess it is all talk with such people. They would rather do their armchair activism than any real useful activity.

This ad by the salvation army uses the latest “black and blue” phenomenon on the Internet to highlight the issue to domestic violence:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/03/06/the-salvation-armys-powerful-new-ad-on-domestic-violence-puts-thedress-debate-in-a-new-light/

It is an awesome ad. I wish there were more such ads  to also highlight the other forms of domestic violence including emotional and sexual abuse. The scars that are not visible on the skin are still there.

The trauma is real. And why is it that you won’t support anyone till they have visible scars, or are brutally raped, or are burnt for dowry?

Does a woman have to die or be left half-dead for you armchair activists to sit up and take notice of what is right under your noses?

Especially if you are friends with the abuser you think he could do no wrong?

Victim Blaming and the Social Media Vigilante

Delhi bus rapist blames dead victim for attack because ‘girls are responsible for rape’

So rang the headline. And there was a video along with it that I have not watched. I am admitting that I have not watched it not to invalidate my opinion or put forth a disclaimer. But, because I can’t take yet another round of victim blaming after what happened in my own life.

Also, this is not a rant about my own life, but a take on those who are outraged on social media because of the rapist’s attack on the victim.

I personally know so many of them who posted or “shared” the link and the video with remarks like “wtf” and other forms of disbelief and shock and rage. The discussion is often just a momentary reaction, no deep, meaningful conversations on even exploring their own gut reaction. Because aside from the collective revulsion towards the perpetrator, what is it that you all feel exactly?

Rape is horrific because of the physically violent nature of the crime and instantly provokes a reaction. But, this is not about the nature of the crime. It is about perpetrators of crimes against women blaming the women. Have you ever blamed someone for walking the street provocatively dressed and then “asking for it”. Or, saying she was asking for it when you saw a father hit his daughter? Or said that it was her fault she went to the guy’s apartment? Or, what was she thinking when she slapped her boss’s arm playfully? Or called someone a slut? Or condoned a “guy” for just being a “guy”? Or laughed when someone made an inappropriate sexually offensive remark in your presence? Or wondered how a guy like him could be with such a “behenji” type?

All these attitudes go a long way towards shaping how as a society we condone the perpetrators of the so-called softer crimes and then we are so shocked when somebody does exactly what we have been doing – blaming the victim.

I would like each vigilante to explore the answers to a few questions:

1. What would you do if your own cousin, aunt, sister, mom, or daughter told you they had been sexually abused?

2. What would you do if they told you that it was x,y, or z “guy” who you know so well and would never in a million years think he could do something like that?

3. What would you think if it was somebody in your own family who was being abusive or offensive or guilt of any other crime against women, which is not rape?

Are you going to be concerned at all? Or, is it like the dowry crime to you? Someone has to burn the bride for you to sit up and take notice? Daily verbal torture is not enough?

There are a few who seek to understand what we can do as a society to change. Well here is the simplest answer:

“Be the change you want to see.”

Sit up and take note of all behavior that violates a person’s body or mind or both, instead of sitting back and getting outraged at murders and rapes. Female mutilation, rape, infanticide, foeticide and other physically violent crimes are horrific. But, the ones that don’t leave a very visible trail are scarring too.

The cycle of abuse will not end till we put a stop to it collectively in our own family, in our own neighborhood, and our offices. Stop thinking that it happens to other people. I know that in India women are supposed to put up with a lot and we do, but we need to put an end to it at some time. This is my time. Hope it is yours!

I am not a psychologist, but I know he is a psychopath

All the articles I have read so far when I was trying to understand what I went through and why have convinced me that my abuser is not just a bad person, he is a sociopath or psychopath. While this may seem like a rant or something that I am trying to explain away because of my vulnerabilities, I know that it is true.

Everything that is said on these page rings true in my case. And while nobody can make a conclusive analysis based on Internet research, I know it intuitively as well. I had long sensed that he used to lie to me and had never really cared for anything in life. Once we were involved in a road accident, when he was driving and the the person he hit had dies. While it was the person’s fault because he was in the middle of an expressway, any normal person would not help but feel guilt. I was counseled at the time by a senior person in the company where we both worked to be supportive of his feelings and to help him find a way through his guilt and suffering.

But, nothing like that happened. I was overly emotional at the time due to my pregnancy hormones so I couldn’t figure out whether it was me feeling overwhelmed or him being underwhelmed. But, I do remember asking him how he felt. And he was able to shrug it off by saying that it wasn’t his fault and that the old man was to blame. It is not that I wanted him to feel guilt but it reminded me of another incident. Many years before we were married, he had moved into a flat on the ground floor and I was helping him unpack. I accidentally stepped on a little white mouse that was scurrying around.

I burst into tears at the horror of killing it and was filled with all kinds on unpleasant feelings at the time and was shuddering and shaking. I remember him laughing at me. He found it hilarious that I would cry over a mouse. I tried to tell him that setting aside a trap for a rodent or even leaving rat poison around was very different from ever actively killing a living being.

Of course, I ignored all these things at the time. Life had other pressing issues to deal with. I wish I had noted them more strongly. Of course, I realize that hindsight is 20-20.

But, now is not the time to recall each and every incident, leading up to this situation. It is about dealing with the present.

Here is what I should refer to if I want to re-inforce the ways of dealing with him:

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Sociopath

Here is where they describe the strategy of charm, use, and discard:

http://simonarich.com/what-you-should-know-about-psychopaths

Unfortunately, my psychopath has found my daughter as his next soft target. But, I will do everything in my power to keep her safe from his abuse.

Here is some more research on sociopaths in general:

http://www.youmeworks.com/sociopaths.html

I will be re-reading these pages in the days to come and be better equipped to handle the monster.

A study on abuse

Studies show that emotional abuse almost always escalates to physical. My monster had once asked me to recollect how he used to grab my throat and he had stopped doing that for so many years. He said that he screamed at me because he kept a tight leash on his temper to prevent him from grabbing me by the throat again. So he did everything short of the one thing he knew would make me go to the cops. All the abuse he heaped on me would not leave physical stars.

But, when this abuse flowed over to my little one, I could not take it anymore. The different forms of abuse that many of us face are mentioned here:

https://mainweb-v.musc.edu/vawprevention/research/defining.shtml

I hope that after reading this, women find the courage to move out of an abusive relationship sooner than I did.

Why domestic violence victims don’t leave…

I found this video about a woman about who talks about ‘crazy love’. I have shared it here but I couldn’t watch beyond a little more than half of it. I reminded me of a time many years ago when my husband choked me by squeezing my neck. After he did it the second time, I told him off so badly that he vowed never to do it again. As far as the choking goes, he never repeated it. But, recently he told me that he gets so mad at me sometimes and because he can’t choke me or anything, I don’t realize what a tight leash he keeps on his anger. That explains his emotional abuse completely, Physically though he has pushed my hand so badly that I couldn’t prevent him from hurting my daughter. I wish I had realized sooner that she was a soft target for him.

She had started feeling guilty for doing so badly that her papa needed to hurt her. Imagine a six year needing to justify her father’s barbaric behavior.

I am glad to be out of the day to day cycle of abuse. Right now it is the period of calm. My husband has stopped the violent screaming and the blaming and is apologetic. But, I now recognize the pattern and know that the only true way to protect my daughter is to make sure that it is legal and binding.