He was so abusive with me over a period that I kind of got used to walking on egg shells around him. Did my best to not piss him off. Never knew what would trigger his temper what would not. And then suddenly out of the blue he would out of guilt or something do something really nice for me, which would make me think that I am really bad for feeling bad about the way he was treating me the rest of the time.
Now I recognize the pattern.
Scream and threaten
Cry and seem genuinely upset for justifying the abusive behavior
Make me feel guilty for adding to his stress enough to behave badly
Show me how reasonable he is by doing a nice thing and telling me that he does it even though I don’t deserve it
There would be no reason for the abuse – it could be something as simple as me asking him what a character in a TV show was doing or it could be because I ask him to not drink as much because he is not stressed now or even worse because he doesn’t want to “waste time” taking my daughter to the hospital when her thumb is blue and swollen because he thinks it is nothing.
In the last case, she had a fracture and was in a splint for one and a half months. But, since the x-ray was done on a Sunday and the radiologist didn’t see it till the next day afternoon, for a whole day he lashed out at me for wasting his weekend time (which is the only time he had to relax) and for subjecting the child to x-rays which would cause her cancer and when I said that I only wanted to err on the side of caution, he was dismissive of it by saying that he knew it was nothing major and that I was an un-supportive wife because I didn’t trust him.
As usual I was crying and only that any mother would take a child to the doctor if the child thumb was swollen and blue and she was crying in pain. I felt so miserable at the time.
He never accompanied her or me for any visits to the doctor or anything because he was so busy at work, but he found time to be with his hookers.