I am ready to move forward…

All these days, my bitterness held me back. I felt like lashing out. Being sarcastic. I saw that it was National sex workers day in the U.S. and immediately thought of the monster and snarky remarks ran in my head, “So how did you celebrate?” or “How wonderful that you support the oldest profession, you are truly a hero!”.

Then, to my horror, I realised that these comments wouldn’t be sarcastic. For him they would actually ring true. Because he told me that, “It is the oldest profession. There is a reason why it exists.” So, I know that he believes they are there for him.

Then, I remembered a friend telling me that I am still not detaching myself. I couldn’t understand why my friend would say that when I was taking so many steps to detach myself. Now I understand. It is because I still want to slap him and lash out.

But, today’s internal musings have led me to the conclusion that there is really no point telling or doing anything with the monster. My feelings towards him whether hate/anger/revulsion/horror/anything really are of no use. Monsters are who they are. Since I am in all but a legal way disconnected, I should focus my energies and my feelings, both positive and negative on the people who I care about and the things I want to do in life.

As I write this, I realize the simplicity of this realization. However, I know the effort and thought that went into arriving at this point. Somehow, I had come to depend far too much on the hope that justice  would be meted out and there would be an equal amount of suffering for the monster. Now I am finally ready to rid myself of any such feelings. Not that I wouldn’t want him to suffer or anything. It’s just that I don’t care to hope anymore. If I can bring it about, only then it matters. If it is to be left to karma or fate, then I would just as easily leave it up to God and the authorities.

As of now, thinking about it or hoping for it will not make an iota of difference in my life. And, honestly what do I care what happens as long as my daughter and I are safe. And yes, if our safety and well being is threatened again, then all I have to do is to do all in my power to make sure the threat is removed. There is no point dwelling on all these things though.

If and when situations arise, I have to deal with them and move on. I am finally at a place where I realize the futility of both worrying and hoping. These states of being are not healthy. So I am settling or “doing”. I will be doing things to move forward with my life. The monster’s life is not my concern anymore.

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I am not a psychologist, but I know he is a psychopath

All the articles I have read so far when I was trying to understand what I went through and why have convinced me that my abuser is not just a bad person, he is a sociopath or psychopath. While this may seem like a rant or something that I am trying to explain away because of my vulnerabilities, I know that it is true.

Everything that is said on these page rings true in my case. And while nobody can make a conclusive analysis based on Internet research, I know it intuitively as well. I had long sensed that he used to lie to me and had never really cared for anything in life. Once we were involved in a road accident, when he was driving and the the person he hit had dies. While it was the person’s fault because he was in the middle of an expressway, any normal person would not help but feel guilt. I was counseled at the time by a senior person in the company where we both worked to be supportive of his feelings and to help him find a way through his guilt and suffering.

But, nothing like that happened. I was overly emotional at the time due to my pregnancy hormones so I couldn’t figure out whether it was me feeling overwhelmed or him being underwhelmed. But, I do remember asking him how he felt. And he was able to shrug it off by saying that it wasn’t his fault and that the old man was to blame. It is not that I wanted him to feel guilt but it reminded me of another incident. Many years before we were married, he had moved into a flat on the ground floor and I was helping him unpack. I accidentally stepped on a little white mouse that was scurrying around.

I burst into tears at the horror of killing it and was filled with all kinds on unpleasant feelings at the time and was shuddering and shaking. I remember him laughing at me. He found it hilarious that I would cry over a mouse. I tried to tell him that setting aside a trap for a rodent or even leaving rat poison around was very different from ever actively killing a living being.

Of course, I ignored all these things at the time. Life had other pressing issues to deal with. I wish I had noted them more strongly. Of course, I realize that hindsight is 20-20.

But, now is not the time to recall each and every incident, leading up to this situation. It is about dealing with the present.

Here is what I should refer to if I want to re-inforce the ways of dealing with him:

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Sociopath

Here is where they describe the strategy of charm, use, and discard:

http://simonarich.com/what-you-should-know-about-psychopaths

Unfortunately, my psychopath has found my daughter as his next soft target. But, I will do everything in my power to keep her safe from his abuse.

Here is some more research on sociopaths in general:

http://www.youmeworks.com/sociopaths.html

I will be re-reading these pages in the days to come and be better equipped to handle the monster.

Yesterday I met an old friend

I met a friend who did not know anything about this sordid mess. It was wonderful. Not that I don’t trust her, but I didn’t want to share because what is the point really? We had a few good laughs, shared some gossip about famous people. And she dropped me home.

It reminded me of the kindness of all the people who were there for me at my darkest hour.

1. A friend who offered to house me indefinitely till I figured it all out.

2. A friend who looked after my daughter when I had stuff to do.

3. A friend whose husband and brother cooked and looked after her kids and my daughter when she was out supporting me.

4. A friend who spoke to me on the phone constantly and prayed with me to give me strength.

5. A friend who took care of my daughter and supported me against the wishes of her own husband.

6. A friend who told me to go to a women’s organization for help and connected me to an awesome woman who gave me hope.

7. A friend who met me even though his own little one was terribly ill at the time, just to support me.

8. A friend who gave me so much practical and philosophical advice that helped me pull myself together.

9. A friend who cared enough to be there for me even though she was on a holiday with family.

This is in random order and I thank all my friends. And above all my brother who came to be with me to support me and to help me hope again.

I can never forget their kindness and their support in helping me find happiness. Because at the end of the day all I want is to be happy with my daughter. If she and I can share a few laughs, read a good book and go to bed hugging each other tight. That is a great day!

Here’s to many more great days! Love to all my friends and my incredibly supportive family.

A study on abuse

Studies show that emotional abuse almost always escalates to physical. My monster had once asked me to recollect how he used to grab my throat and he had stopped doing that for so many years. He said that he screamed at me because he kept a tight leash on his temper to prevent him from grabbing me by the throat again. So he did everything short of the one thing he knew would make me go to the cops. All the abuse he heaped on me would not leave physical stars.

But, when this abuse flowed over to my little one, I could not take it anymore. The different forms of abuse that many of us face are mentioned here:

https://mainweb-v.musc.edu/vawprevention/research/defining.shtml

I hope that after reading this, women find the courage to move out of an abusive relationship sooner than I did.

The monster has a friend

Apparently, people think that monsters should have access to children.

Yes. I kid you not. There is a guy who professes to be a mutual friend but really is the monster’s friend and thinks that despite not knowing the hell that we have gone through, my daughter would be safe with the monster.

I wish people like that rot in a special kind of hell alongside the monster. This friend has a little girl of his own. Why doesn’t he give his little girl to the monster to hit and hurt. Shit I would never ever say anything bad about a child, but I am so livid especially at this moron with a Messiah complex who thinks he can lecture me without knowing anything.

Every night I tell my child that the monster loves her. I know it to be a lie. But, she is only six and deserves to be loved. I can’t tell her how he is. She knows hitting is bad and she knows no matter who does it, we don’t tolerate it. That is enough.

Child custody and visitation rights to an abusive a******

Should an abusive, alcoholic, drug addict and prostitute goer ever be allowed near any child ever? He is negligent with the child and totally spaced out half the time and drunk the other when he is in her company. Can such a person be a responsible person let alone a father? Is a child going to be safe around him?

Would you leave your daughter with such a monster?

I hope to see the day when child custody and visitation laws for people who commit domestic violence are evolved enough to see that interaction with such a person is detrimental to the child. And how about the mother who is forced to relive everything and live in constant fear of the safety of her child with such an abusive person?

People like that who destroy their own life and destroy their family should be told by the court to take themselves off. And never ever come anywhere near the family they treated so cruelly.

Trying to justify cheating

Today is Valentine’s day and this monster sends me a link to this video that talks about why men cheat. Seriously, he wants to justify going to prostitutes and buying drugs from them? Like who the hell is depraved enough to do that to someone who they have been with for 13 years? That monster that’s who.

Normal people would feel guilt or remorse for their actions or at least pretend that they are sorry. He thinks that just because he is a silicon valley entrepreneur, he is justified in behaving like this. He is founded a start-up in silicon valley and that makes him so special that he can abuse his wife and daughter. People who are drunk with power and money do all kinds of things but this really is the limit.

How on earth do such people justify their behavior? How was I gullible enough to live with him and believe his lies? Why didn’t I stop him sooner? My fear of being separated from my child was so great that I was paralyzed. I was too scared to tell anyone for fear that they would call social services to take my child away. Whenever, I thought of leaving him, I was scared of him throwing me out and keeping my child.

The threats to take my child away were the worst of what he did to me. Yes worse than all the other abuse put together. I should have seen her distress.

I should have known better when the incident with her fracture occurred. I mean no father in his right mind would accuse his wife of “wasting 3 hours on a weekend” to go to the doctor to get their child’s thumb checked. This is the man who is supposed to care about her welfare and he is hell-bent on doing what he does without a care about what he is exposing his child to.

And this is the monster who is now justifying his actions. If I wouldn’t have read about the cycle of abuse I would have been even more shocked to hear him blame me. He has blamed me for everything that went wrong in his life I am not shocked anymore. Finally, I am outraged and wished there were laws that provided for punishing such monsters by putting them behind bars so nobody ever has the guts to do this ever again.

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