Understanding the monster?

He sends me a mail saying ‘please understand me’ and wants to explain his behavior and that too by sending a song. What’s next — a mail forward?

A song with the word ‘stoner’ in it. He probably sent the mail when he was high or drunk or both.

I know that there are still so many lies and so many things he has not yet admitted. But, that shouldn’t affect me. If he felt he couldn’t talk to me then why is he trying to explain anything at all now. This is not healthy. I am going to shut out all these negative messages. There is no need for me to ‘understand’ why he is abusive. At this point, it is important to break away from him. and his substance abuse is not going to be my concern any more once I free my child from him.

I know we took vows and decided to be married but nobody should have to suffer such a life and no child should ever have to face abuse and neglect from a father.

In my ideal world such things wouldn’t happen. But, as everyone is so fond of reminding me, life isn’t perfect. I can only choose to stay away from him, his abuse, his drugs, his stoner songs, he is the loser here not me. He is the one who threw away my love and my daughter’s love on whores.

Protecting my baby

Yesterday, for most part of the day, I felt strong and that I would be able to cope with anything that comes my way. Then, suddenly out of the blue a wave of nostalgia hit, I cried thinking of what could have been. I have a lovely baby girl. I should have had a lovely family. The ugliness of it all, tore at my heart.

The worst part is that I can’t tell anybody about what I am going through because later it will get back to my baby. When she grows up, I hope she will never have to learn about what he did ever.

But, if he insists on taking her away, all this muck will be raked in public. She will learn that her father abused her mother emotionally, sexually…She will learn about his substance abuse. She will know everything, every filthy detail  because it will come up in court. And worst of all she will grow up to realize his negligence and abuse towards her. There may be no other way to keep her safe.

How do I protect my baby from all that? Please God give me the strength.

How do I stop thinking?

So many incidents over the years. So much betrayal and hurt. I try very hard to stop thinking about it. If only for minute or so. But, I can’t. I don’t know what is worse, me re-living it or me being unable to think of a way out of it.

If I didn’t have this overwhelming fear of not being able to keep my daughter safe, then I would have been able to cope better. I know that. But, I don’t know how to get rid of the fear.

Recognizing a pattern

He was so abusive with me over a period that I kind of got used to walking on egg shells around him. Did my best to not piss him off. Never knew what would trigger his temper what would not. And then suddenly out of the blue he would out of guilt or something do something really nice for me, which would make me think that I am really bad for feeling bad about the way he was treating me the rest of the time.

Now I recognize the pattern.

Scream and threaten

Cry and seem genuinely upset for justifying the abusive behavior

Make me feel guilty for adding to his stress enough to behave badly

Show me how reasonable he is by doing a nice thing and telling me that he does it even though I don’t deserve it

There would be no reason for the abuse – it could be something as simple as me asking him what a character in a TV show was doing or it could be because I ask him to not drink as much because he is not stressed now or even worse because he doesn’t want to “waste time” taking my daughter to the hospital when her thumb is blue and swollen because he thinks it is nothing.

In the last case, she had a fracture and was in a splint for one and a half months. But, since the x-ray was done on a Sunday and the radiologist didn’t see it till the next day afternoon, for a whole day he lashed out at me for wasting his weekend time (which is the only time he had to relax) and for subjecting the child to x-rays which would cause her cancer and when I said that I only wanted to err on the side of caution, he was dismissive of it by saying that he knew it was nothing major and that I was an un-supportive wife because I didn’t trust him.

As usual I was crying and only that any mother would take a child to the doctor if the child thumb was swollen and blue and she was crying in pain. I felt so miserable at the time.

He never accompanied her or me for any visits to the doctor or anything because he was so busy at work, but he found time to be with his hookers.

My experiences and my path to healing

It took me a long time to realize that I am in an abusive relationship and that the abuse is spilling over to my little one. I hope to overcome it one day at a time.

Please do not post any derogatory or negative responses on this blog. I am pouring out all the negativity so I can heal. If you can offer helpful suggestions to cope with all the stuff, that is great. If you want to share your experience that is also fine. But, don’t try to tell me, or anybody who comments, not to be a victim. No one chooses to be a victim of abuse. Over a period, you get used to the abuser and the abuse and you don’t find the strength to tell anyone or leave.

In my case, the trigger that gave me the courage of conviction that he was wrong and I was right to leave him was when he minimized the seriousness of the abuse he heaped on my little daughter. That gave me a big shock and made me realize what was in store for us if we continued to be with him. He feels no remorse or shame over his actions and behavior. But, this blog is about me. And how I am coping with all this.